Good Bye
by Lareth
Summary: Darren is feeling guilty before Kurda's judgment and decides to go see him. [ implied KurdaDarren ] [ shounen ai slash ]


I had been confused many times before. Sometimes I went beyond confusion, feeling empty and unable to say or think anything until whatever troubled me was finally gone. In these cases I'm sure that if I hadn't been like that many things would have been different.

Everything that troubled me on that moment would have never happened and I would be home, with my parents and my sister, living like the human being I was born as.

But I can't go back in time, and things are the way they are. I can't change them and I certainly cannot stop time. The only thing I could do was nod and accept everything the best way I could.

Why not stand up for him, when he needed a friend the most? I just couldn't. Even though I liked him, Kurda Smahlt had done far too much.

He was, without a doubt, the vampire with the most perfect mentality I had ever met. But perfection isn't always a good thing, for other people are not perfect and they can't see how right your ideas are.

Vampires, especially, are very narrow minded, worse than humans. Kurda's chances of making them understand whatever were his reasons for bringing their most fearsome enemies right into the Vampire Mountain were, if he was lucky, of one percent.

I didn't believe he had any noble reasons myself, who was probably the most open minded of all vampires (or half-vampires) in that mountain, so I had no hope he could convince the others.

As I said, I cannot change things. The best I could do on that moment was give him a hand, and some of my very little hope. Because, even though I couldn't do a thing, I still believed in miracles.

So I slipped from the dining hall with some very odd excuse I can't remember and made my way to the cell they were keeping him in.

There were about three or four vampires guarding him. Even though I believed he wouldn't try to escape, the Princes didn't think the same and would never take any risks.

I asked to approach him, saying I wished to speak to him. At first the guards were reluctant, but when they realized who I was they decided to make an exception. I didn't like to be seen as someone important or special, because I was not. But my need to speak to Kurda was greater than my desire to remain anonymous.

"Kurda?" I called, my voice shaky. As I saw his serene expression staring at me, I felt so many things it's hard to describe.

I couldn't believe he was so calm after all he had done, killing one of his own kind and bringing enemies into the Mountain. On the other hand I was relieved he wasn't too nervous.

"Darren..." he said, shaking his head and sighing. "So, how are you?" Kurda asked nicely.

"Better than you." I answered, trying not to show much mercy at first. "You?" I asked.

"I've been better." Kurda answered, with a weak, forced smile.

I didn't know what to say, and was wondering if I should say anything at all. The only question that popped into my head was very insensitive and would certainly trouble him a lot, if he hadn't been thinking about that already.

But that was also the only thing I wanted to know.

"Why?" I asked, without second thought.

"Because." He answered playfully, smiling again. "I'm ready for this, Darren. I've been ready for a long time, because I knew this was going to be my end."

"Then why taking the risk and doing those things?" I insisted, kneeling on the ground.

"I wanted to do the right thing, but I guess... things don't always come out as we wish them to, do they?" Kurda said, with a long sigh.

"Just tell me why!" I said, annoyed by his peaceful mood.

"You will soon hear all I have to say, Darren. I'm sure that, if you had listened to me sooner, grabbed my hand in the cave and let me explain... none of this would have happened." He commented as if that was the most trivial subject in the whole world.

"Of course none of this would've happened! You would've killed me!" I protested, angrily.

"No I wouldn't, because I know you have the brains to understand why I did all this, Darren. You're a smart boy, a strong, smart, amazing boy." Kurda said, kneeling in front of me and watching me through the bars. "And I admire you so much. I would never kill you, ever! Because I know you can understand me, and I know you are feeling like you should be on my side right now, don't you? Do you feel guilty, Darren?"

I looked in his blue eyes and was suddenly mesmerized by how beautiful they were, just like everything else about Kurda. I looked up to him since the first time I stepped into that Mountain. His pacific personality and ideas were just perfect. The vampires would be so much happier if they lived the way Kurda suggested them to. Sadly, vampires have forgotten long ago what it feels like to be happy. How could I expect them to want to feel something they can't remember of?

"Yes, I do." I answered sincerely. "Why don't you tell me now your reasons and I stood up to you now! Maybe you truly are right!" I said, my hopes rising and his chances of surviving going from one to two percent.

"I admire you so, Darren Shan. I wish there were more vampires like you, and I know there will be. But when these vampires come, it will be too late, I'm afraid." He shuddered. "I can't say I didn't try."

"You never answer me, do you?"

"I don't need you on my side now, Darren. I want you to go and shout with all other vampires, wishing for my death, for that's what I deserve. I betrayed my own kind, there's no need for judgment whatsoever." Kurda shook his head. "I don't want anyone else involved in this but me, just like I intended at first."

"B-But, Kurda!" I tried to speak, but nothing came out of my mouth as I opened it to protest.

"No 'buts', Darren. Go up there and cheer when I walk towards my doom." He said, smiling. "But please stop looking when they take off my clothes, because my body isn't very... well... in shape as it should be."

I couldn't help but giggle to his statement.

"How can you be in such a good mood right now?" I asked, amazed.

"As I said, I already knew I was going to die. I've been ready for months, if not years." He explained. "Well, it's time for you to go. They must be worried about you by now."

I nodded, but didn't move. As much as my mind ordered my body to move, I couldn't. I wanted to stay there and admire Kurda for another minute. I wanted to keep a good impression of him before his death, even though I had some other horrible images of him from earlier.

Without warning, Kurda approached me and laid a soft kiss over my lips and smiled.

"Go, Darren." He said, waving his hand.

I got up and smiled, blushing. I knew he didn't see men kissing as something related to a love affair as of a couple and he wasn't embarrassed about it either, but I wasn't used to that sort of thing. I had lived for way too long with humans.

"Good bye, Kurda..." I whispered, looking down to the ground as I did so, holding back my tears.

I thought he would say good bye to me as well, so I gave him a last glance and turned around, slowly walking away.

"I love you, Darren." I heard him say, and quickly turned around again, blushing. He was smiling at me as I walked away, without taking my eyes off him.

I wasn't sure I understood what he meant by that. I could take it in many ways, but I decided to leave it as pure as possible. So I smiled back and turned around completely, making my way down the halls, looking for Mr. Crespley, Seba and Harkat.

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It's so hard to write Darren Shan shounen ai/slash! I don't exactly know why. Well, probably because all good characters that could be paired with Darren die, start a family or grow up. (Sam, Kurda, Evra, Steve...)

All that is left would be... Mr. Crepsley? No, no... I refuse! I'd rather write fics based on the previous books, thank you very much!


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